Executive Decision

I’m getting out of the blog game.

It’s been fun.  I needed some space to vent at the time, but right now I just don’t have the urge to write anything.   Maybe because I’m feeling pretty at peace where I am/we are?  I never wanted to be a big blog player, never wanted to attract attention or bloggy celebrity, so it’s not a loss to me in any way to close up shop on the writing front.

For the record, I still love to read blogs and will continue to do so.  The only thing I’m shutting down is the writing.  I don’t need an extra, self-imposed item on the to-do list.  It takes up a lot of time to write posts (at least for me…because they tend to be long once I get rolling), and honestly, my writing energy needs to go towards my next book project, which I’ve been postponing for several months now.

I know you might not guess that I can actually write from my sentence-butchering blog, but that’s mostly because my blog was only ever and entirely personal and I just refused to spend time considering sentence structure, punctuation, proofing or editing. (Take, for example, the preceding sentence.  Just awful ;-p)  But alas, I do actually write for money and half of my personal income is from book sales, and I’d love to add another book for a few reasons besides the fiduciary ones.  So I need to get a move on.  So I need to spend less time writing because of an imagnary need to fill a blog.

Also top on my priority list is getting more physically active, inching back to my former superactive pre-cancer, pre-mommy self.  Perhaps if motherhood hadn’t come rolled up in a ball with a year of chemo I could have enjoyed being active from the first.  But it’s been a long journey back from the sub-zero fitness level of total exhaustion combined with extreme illness.  And sitting up late writing isn’t helping me get more rest to have more energy to be more active.

Additionally, my story is so tied up in my son’s story which is tied up in M’s story, and Mark’s story and I just can’t tell mine without telling theirs, and I’ve wrestled with the appropriateness of putting their stuff out there, even if it’s stuff they are public about in general. 

And then there’s identity.  I’ve done this anonymously and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but it would UBER-easy for anyone who knows me in real life to recognize that this is me, should they stumble on this blog.  I seriously doubt anyone has.  But I think the longer it’s out there, the more possible it is.  In large part because of my teaching and writing career, it’s extremely important to me that nothing personal I’ve put out there ever intermingle, interfere with or negatively impact that.  My professional life is professional and needs to remain that way- it in no way benefits and could actually suffer from getting mixed up in personal details about me.  Again- a remote possibility, but a possibility nonetheless.  One I would like to eliminate. (see?  Not even a sentence. Neither was that. )

Lastly, some things about bloggy world annoy me.  I love a lot of it, but not all of it.  I do my best to ignore the things, blogs, and (if we’re REALLY honest) people that annoy me, but…well every now and then they impose themselves, or bad things to good people, or fights break out, or people delete everything that doesn’t agree with them and only allow buttkissing comments.  I could do with less things that annoy me.   I could also do away with the cliche blog-speaky habits I’ve picked up on in writing.  *shudder* (See?  Like that one.  Again, not even a sentence.  Argh!)

Lastly, there is a beautiful muscled man that is usually lying in bed alone when I take time to type away in here.  So no more of that. 

I’ll stay in the forums, because as much as stuff there annoys me too- there are playground monitors that enforce rules and make everyone play nice.  And it takes less time to post replies than full blog posts.  And it’s not about me or my life.

I’ll leave this up a week or so before I delete the whole blog.  You can de-lurk and say goodbye if you want, though I may still show up in your comments from time to time. :)  Or you can just quietly remove me from your blogroll or reader.

Take care of yourselves.  Thanks for all the input.  Good stuff.

Frosted Flakes

So, as I’ve lamented before during ninja-slapping season…there are these two brothers who decided on their own that they were just going to live here over the summer.  They do go home for a night or two after a couple nights here, but other than that…they are just here.  They are not invited.  They just come.   And stay.  They put me and J in innumerable awkward situations and the only thing that keeps me from just throwing them out is that we are good friends with their parents (but seriously I’m beginning to question how much weight I’m giving that in this situation) I don’t like being put in the position of having to be the bad guy, so I’ve tossed them out on their hineys.  Instead, I just go about my business and do passive-agressive things like continuing on as if we are a family living in our own home without 2 uninvited guests…so we go to dinner, or events to which we’ve been invited, as a family and I do not invite them.  Or, we leave J to figure out how he and his 2 uninvited friends will feed themselves while I make dinner for myself, Mark and J.  I will tolerate their presence with polite conversation, but I will not undertake to feed 2 more uninvited (have I said that before?) mouths just because they’re here.  All the time.

Now frankly, there are a lot of 18-21yr old boys who come in and out of our home on a daily basis and sleep over a lot and hang out.  But they come, hang out, sleep and in the morning they leave to go about their lives.  These guys just park it until they HAVE to leave.  And, the other guys are not vulgar like these two.  Other than being responsible for some disgusting content on facebook, one of them has a sticker on his stuff that says “yer about to git yer s*** pushed in.”  Nice.  I told him I preferred the freedom of being in my home without having to look at that- so he covered it.  The other one has made some comments I find extremely inappropriate, especially for being in someone else’s home.  They’ve cleaned it up for the most part because I’ve made it clear that I don’t like that stuff in my home and I think they want to be good houseguests.  But as much as I appreciate the “cleaning up” effort, the damage has been done in my opinion of them and their behavior (unlike the others who have been and are always polite and respectful) and they forgot the first rule of being a houseguest: be invited.

Seriously…take last night.  The older texted and said that the younger told him he and J had talked and they were coming over.  J texted back that he hadn’t talked to the younger and had no idea what he was talking about.  The text he got back was “we’re on our way.”  ????

A couple days ago the younger brother presented me with a box of Frosted Flakes.  He said his mom asked him to give it to me as a Thank You for having them over so much this summer.  Really.  A box of cereal.

I’m not entirely sure that I pulled off a sincere Thank You for that one.

Blogroll

I know I need to update my blogroll.  I’ve just been lazy.  I’ve had some good ones recommended. I’ve stumbled upon others. 

Ones on my list aren’t there because I “approve”…I’m not arrogant enough to think that anyone gives a rip what I approve of or agree with. (just deal with them prepositional endings!)

Ones not on my list aren’t there because I don’t approve.  See comments about approval above. 

My personal goal for my blogroll is to give a spectrum of people’s experience with adoption– the happy, the painful, the pretty, the ugly– from all sides.

As much as people who adopt through agencies get “adoption education”…I wonder how much they are really told.  Are they ever exposed to the raw, hard feelings of grown adoptees? Birth/first parents who’ve lived with relinquishments? Adoptive parents who live with the realities of adoption regarding their grown children? 

I have so many friends and relatives who talk about adoption as the GREAT GOOD DEED they’ve always wanted to do…beause it’s puppies and sunshine.  I think of my blogroll as my “Here, read this” list.  I want them to know that even as an adoptive parent there is ongoing pain, there is acute pain…it’s not a fairy tale or a chocolate covered lollipop.  It’s hard…on everyone.

My point is, I will try to update soon to add more.  Just know that it’s not my “blessed” list and omissions carry no undertones of disapproval.  I just need to stop being lazy.

The chip on my shoulder

I’m a little irked with my MIL.  This is not a bash-my-MIL post.  I love her.  We get along even when we disagree.  We work together.  We make our family work together.  She has embraced me as family in every way and completely supported me and my role as J’s mom.  But sometimes I feel that for some reason that concept does not apply to the rest of my family and their place as J’s family, just as much as Mark’s family is.  It’s two incidences which might be no big deal.  But, as you know, the chip on my shoulder is about my deep connection to J and the extension of that to include my whole family.  And she knocked it off.

The first incident was during the big family reunion for my grandmother’s 90th birthday that I spent a year planning.  I talked about it before.  I hosted it here in OC.  We spent 3 days together.  The last day, held here at our home was the only day that everyone was there at the same time, as well as being the day with all the ”official” festivities and presentations.  MIL called in the morning of that last day and asked to talk to J who I said was in the shower or something to that effect.  She told me she needed him to come over for a while to help her around the house as soon as he could.  I reminded her that it was my family reunion that day.  She replied she knew that, but didn’t see why that meant J had to be there all day, after all, she informed me, he was already going to spend the afternoon working at her office.  I replied that he certainly was not, because, I repeat, IT’S MY FAMILY REUNION.  She seemed confused about what that would have to do with J and I didn’t expect him to be there the whole day did I?  Yes, I did expect that.  Silly me, expecting my son to attend the extended family reunion we were hosting at our own home that I had spent a year planning. 

So that was the first incident.  I was pretty mad, but I got over it.

But then yesterday…my sister, BIL and 2 nephews are here for their last day and night before leaving for home in another state.  We see them twice a year- over the holidays and in the summer.  We had been invited to dinner at MIL & FIL’s house and I had spoken to FIL and told him it sounded yummy and fun but we would have to decline since it was our last visit with my sister’s family.  I thought that was that.  But again, there was a call from MIL which I answered.  She wanted to know J’s answer about he and a friend coming over for dinner that night.  I reminded her that I had already declined the invitation because we were hosting my sis and her fam for their last day here.  She knew that, but she didn’t see what that had to do with J and why it meant he couldn’t come over for dinner anyway.

GRRR.  I’m starting to get really angry at this attitude I’m picking up on that while I am totally his mom, my family just isn’t really his family.  

Hey, let’s try this scenario…MIL plans for a year a family reunion for her family and on the big day my mom calls J and says that she needs him to help her around the house that day instead, and sees no problem with making that request or having that expectation and is confused about why that wouldn’t be okay.  OR, we’re hosting Mark’s brother and his wife at our home for dinner, but my mom, knowing that, calls and invites him to dinner with her instead. 

Wouldn’t happen.  If it did, MIL would hit the roof.  She’s big on “family time” together- enjoying it and respecting it.  But apparently that only applies to our family time with her, not  our time with my family.

You might be reading this and wondering what the big deal is, but it knocked off the very specific chip on my shoulder.

I’m pretty irked.  She might need a little education from me in respecting my family and J’s time with my family- not just mine, Mark’s and little J, because -*NEWS FLASH*-  I didn’t just join their family.   J joined my family too.   Just in case she needs a reminder.  

Now I need to go inhale and exhale peacefully and in a relaxed fashion, because I prefer feeling peaceful and happy.

Whatever is…

I mentioned in a meme a few weeks ago, what my favorite Bible verse is at the moment.   It’s about dwelling on what is good and honorable, etc.  It hits home for me in many ways.  I believe we are responsible for our thoughts as well as our actions.  We may not choose what flits into our minds, but we choose what on which we focus,  on which we dwell.  And we choose about what we speak and how we speak about it.

I don’t believe in burying my head in the sand, so it’s not that I think we should never verbalize negative things or call attention to injustice.  But I do think that we shouldn’t troll and fish for the worst things to trumpet while passing over and ignoring good and excellent things.  And I do think that we shouldn’t look for people to attack and insult, or of whom to make fun or make fools.

The few people who I’ve pissed off in adoptionblogland were ones on whose blogs I objected to this practice.  (Some of whom were generally good people with generally good blogs whom I in no way intended to offend or piss off, just to voice my objection to what I think is inappropriate, unfair and unproductive) In a forum or a thread full of good, thoughtful and respectful replies, to pull out the worst quote and make it the focus of your post recounting the ways in which it is wrong and stupid just does a disservice to everyone. 

Likewise, just plain old insulting and sniping is unproductive and is particularly distasteful in those who claim a desire to educate and enlighten others in pursuit of their cause.

Let me recount the ways:

• It unfairly characterizes by association the group of people identified with the ”stupid person du jour” (adoptive parents, birth/first parents, adoptees, etc.), so thanks for doing your part in perpetuating negative stereotypes about other groups. 
• It contributes to the whole atmosphere of adversarialism between groups and perspectives in adoption.
• It ignores what can and should be held up as examples of goodness.
• It focuses on the worst of what there is instead of the best.
• It’s not education - since that involves more than merely ridicule and objection.  Education is showing the way, not throwing missles at those who aren’t as enlightened as you (whatever you define enlightenment to be).

Honestly, I don’t see it as often as I used to and even some of the people to whom I raised an objection seem to have knocked off the practice (which I don’t think they did because of me at all) and instead focus mostly on their own situations and issues, or ethics in general rather than rake-a-stupid-person-over-the-coals, for which I am happy, for everyone.

But it’s not gone and there are still bloggers out there who find amusement in belittling and deriding others who don’t meet their particular brand of “officially approved adoption perspective/experience” and I think it’s sad.   I have no patience for hatemongers and no stomach for buttkissing.  People should have enough sense to be able to tell the difference between an attack and a challenge to their expressed opinion.  And people should know the difference between expressing your opinion and attacking someone.

A challenge to your viewpoint or an objection to your opinion with an opposing opinon is not an attack.  It’s a challenge which someone who is secure in the moral rectitude or validity of their post or opinion, should be able to defend or engage.  Lack of compliment-laden buttkissing is not an attack.

Making petty insults, derisive personal comments, and summary dismissive judgments about other people’s motives, decisions and feelings is not expressing your opinion, it’s attacking people, not engagement or debate.  It’s just hate and false superiority. 

In the spirit of my own post, let me highlight a few bloggers who I think do a great job of engagement/debate vs. insult/attack. 

Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: she fiercely defends her feelings and her beliefs and has uttered the occasional f-bomb in her own defense.  But she has never thrown the first grenade.  She doesn’t link to the people with whom she has an issue and is kindly vague when expressing frustration about stupid people in adoptionblogland or adoptionforumland.  She doesn’t insult adoptees or adoptive moms to make her point.  She accepts responsibility for things of which she’s not proud, and doesn’t claim to be proud of ways in which she was foolish, which means she is willing to be challenged on principles even when people are vile and hurtful.

Brown at Confessions of a Secret Birthmom:  She is completely honest and always self-examining.  Like Thanksgivingmom, she is willing to accept a point of conviction and think about the underlying issues even when the person doing the challenging wraps up the principle in hatemongering and summary judgments.  She is unfailingly respectful in her address of other people and adoption issues.

Suz at Writing My Wrongs: she’s pretty strong in her statements and sentiments and in many ways her views differ greatly from mine.  But she is willing to engage the issues and discuss the principles involved without claiming that every dissenting opinion is an angry attacker.

Nicole at Paragraphein:  She’s locked down her blog and I haven’t asked for the password at this point, and like Suz, I respectfully disagree with her on many things.  But amongst her deepest and darkest sentiments and amongst her anger (at times, in certain posts- I am not labeling her an angry person, but she has blogged occassionally about anger) and wounds, there is always an element of self-examination and willingness to be proven wrong or to have her positions challenged if done so with thoughtfulness and merit and not by fluffy cliches or mere unwillingness on the other party to listen or think outside of their own experience.

There are many more, and you might be one of them.  I just picked a few to highlight.

Continuing in the spirit of my own post, I will not identify people who either go around attacking, or conversely, claim that every dissenter is an attacker.  You’ve all seen it.  Pay attention to the people, and the blogs, who are unafraid of challenge, debate and engagment.  And pay attention to those who know how to address an issue and present opinions without waving a sword of sarcasm and snide remarks, insulting and twisting other people’s stories into their own personal opinion-grinder seasoned with a dose of superiority.

Ignore the others.

Listen to Judy at Just Enjoy Him and the quote she has highlighted in her blog sidebar.

Busy, Lazy, Happy

I haven’t posted much the past month and I could name a zillion reasons why.  Mostly, I have been enjoying my summer.  I’ve got another little trip coming up in a few days: Chicago for an extended family weekend with hubby’s family.  I hope it’s not too hot.  I need to check the weather.

I’ve been busy- which seems an incurable condition of my life, though I dream of when it is not the case *temporary trip to dreamland…aaaannd back to reality*.  I’ve been lazy– I LOVE sleeping in.  I’ve been happy.

The big news is that J and his roommates may have found a home to rent for next year.  They were unable to get on-campus housing for next school year since after freshman year, the school prioritizes based on units and distance from campus.  Being that they are sophomores and we live 1500 feet away–no dorm room for them.  So they’ve been house shopping with defeat waiting around every corner- either the house sucked or the owner wasn’t willing to rent to college kids (which I get, but is frustrating when that’s what we need).  But today, we finally found a house that all 4 guys and all 4 sets of parents actually agree on its suitability.  We just need to hear back from the landlord and hopefully hammer out a lease.

I know I’m sounding casual, but this represents Moving Out in a way much more profound than dorm-living.  It would be a 12-month lease, beginning as soon as possible.  That means, he’s moving out now rather than the end of August, and he’s not coming home in between semesters- he would have a home.  Like, a full-time year-round home.  That isn’t our home.  That’s big.

The ironic thing is that this time rather than being the mom doing her encouraging-independence-duty while her heart breaks,  I’m the mom who is looking forward to this change for both our sakes and who is a little disconcerted that J actually seems to be hesitant.  I’m not a push-’em-out-the-door Mom, but I do think that my success as a mother is largely determined by his capabilty of being an independent adult, and his eagerness to do so, even more so than it is measured by the quality of our interpersonal relationship.   A loving relationship with him is a deep joy- but my job is to make him ready for his own life, not so comfortable in mine that he doesn’t want to leave it.  So his hesitancy is making me question my efficacy a little bit here.

Simply put, he likes the comfort and security of home and the thought of being totally responsible for himself and a whole house freaks him out a little.  That’s okay, he’s only 19 and that’s fairly early to take it on, so I’m not beating myself up too much… maybe just adjusting my perspective of what I thought he was ready for versus what I’m hearing and seeing.

Thankfully, his more-like-a-bro bff talked with him about it today and J seems much more comfortable with it now.  I do hope that the house works out.  He would be frustrated with trying to live at home while I need it function healthily for a first grader and he wants the social life and freedom of a college sophomore- and frankly so would I.  It needs to happen for all of us.  I know now that we can absolutely still be a close, loving, affectionate family at 2 different addresses.  I have no doubt that’s what we’ll be always.

But it will be a big transition, no doubt. 

Kickin with the fam

That’s our little family joke since one of my cousins was overheard saying it to a friend on the phone who had obviously asked what he was doing. “Kickin with the fam,” he said.  For the record, the cousin is supremely cool and brilliant and weird.  Back on topic, that’s what I’ve been doing for two full weeks now: kickin with the fam.

We have one of those rare commodities of families that love to get together, love to be with each other, love each other without requiring sameness or agreement.  And it works, in a statistics-defying, corny way.  My parents, my sis & bro-in law, my aunt & uncle, my cousin & his wife, another cousin & her husband have all been together since high school.  Mark and I are the odd ones out having actually met and dated as adults rather than teens.  

One cousin is a conservative Republican who is married to a high-ranking state government official, who is a liberal Democrat.  The awesomeness of their four kids testifies to the fact that they love each other, despite whatever differences.  Another cousin is a lesbian, with her partner for more than a decade, jointly raising her partner’s 12 yr-old daughter from a previous (heterosexual) relationship.  Her father, my uncle, is a conservative evangelical pastor, who believes homosexuality is a sin.  Know what?  They love each other.  He loves her as his daughter without rejecting her as outside of his beliefs and she loves him without rejecting him with hateful labels of bigot or the like.  It’s called loving your family.  It’s extremely happy-making.

I’ve got cousins out the yin yang and poor Mark when we first got married, used to get all confused- I think I even made him a flow chart at one point.  Can you believe he has NO first cousins?  None.  None of his parents’ siblings ever had kids.  And when we first got married, that meant Jordan also had, until then, been the only kid, the only grandkid, nephew, great-grandkid, you name it.  Now he and Mark have been inducted into The World of Cousins.  And yes, I even know exactly how to work the whole second-cousin-once-removed thing.

I want both Mark and J to feel integrally a part of this family, my family.  Not an asterisk or an add-on, just one of them the same as all the others.  We have never differentiated in this family between who was born in and who married in.  Everyone is just IN.  They are IN.  I want them to feel this and to know it.  I want them to feel the same way about my extended family– that they (extended family) are IN for them (J and Mark).

For this reason, J’s little (harmless and funny in his mind, I’m sure) comment hurt me.  The same way my mom did when my sister’s son was born when J was 11, and she said something about her “first grandson being born.”  I went ballistic on her and told her in no uncertain words that making such a comment was WRONG, HURTFUL, and STUPID and that just because J wasn’t born in as an infant that he should be any less a grandson or in any separate category in her head.  In the same way I strongly objected to her saying that she expected to be more “bonded” to the other 3 grandsons (little J and my sis’s 2 boys) than she was with J.  I told her she might have more familiarity and more memories of when they were little, but there should be no difference in the “bond”.

So I’m not sure why, when it comes from J, I just smart in private and say nothing.  I think it’s partly because I think his feelings, as an adoptee, should never be dictated because I have read enough of adoptees being frustrated and everyone from all sides telling them how they should feel.  But then, I have no problem telling my mom how to feel about my kid.  So I admittedly have a double standard on this.  I’m just mulling over why I feel so free to go all mama-bear on my mom (and anyone else) about how they feel about him, but not with J when it comes to how he feels about them.

I’m just mulling this over.  Not sure there’s any answer.

Ouch

 Just so we’re clear…this is not a “poor me” post, I’m not having a pity party and I don’t think I’m a victim.  But something I’ve been acknowledging lately is that every time I get smacked with the reminder that I did not birth J, it hurts.  I’m acknowledging to myself that there is ongoing pain in being an adoptive parent.  That’s not to say that there is isn’t joy- heavens no.  In the adoption equation, adoptive parents come out big winners in the joy column.  But that doesn’t mean there isn’t pain.

I’ve said before I lived for several years under the delusion that what adoption meant was that we were all supposed to pretend that I gave birth to J and we would keep up that happy game that felt oh-so-good forever.  The end.   Not that J would ever be lied to,  I’m adamantly opposed to secrets like that, and the adoption wasn’t even finalized until he was 13 (long wait for our “turn” in the OC system) But it was presented to me at every point in the system that she was just erased and I was substituted.  Since this hadn’t been an adoption plan fro a baby, but an adoption because of an abandonement after many years, everyone around us was rejoicing at this.

When that shiny bubble was burst by the pin of reality and I realized that my not being J’s biological mother was a truth I would have to live with daily for the rest of my life, no matter what circumstances brought me into his life, no matter how good of a mom I was, it was a hard time.  I cried more those couple weeks than I ever have, just coming to grips with the whole thing, in the horribly ironic timing of completely coinciding with the pain and confusion of Empty Nest about J.

I can live with reality and have joy and happiness in the midst of a reality that falls short of fantasy (and whose doesn’t?). But it still hurts every time I get the little jab “It wasn’t you, you know.  You’re not the one who brought him into the world and gave him half his chromosomes and you never will be.”

It happened when deciding who got to come to J’s graduation service with limited tickets.  My parents did, along with hubby’s parents.  But when it came to which aunt & uncle, it was of course Mark’s bro and not my sis, because he’s known him all his life…we, meaning everyone in my family, have not.

It happens every time the subject of our kids’ inherited characteristics comes up, which apparently is all the time. 

It hurts the most when it’s J who reminds me.

In the midst of a very happy day, J said something that hurt and I remember it because it’s the same old thing that just keeps coming up…my connection to him is not the same as Mark’s and the same goes for my family.   It’s the one true point of insecurity I have- what connection he really feels to my extended family and they to him.

Last week I hosted a family reunion in honor of my grandmother’s 90th birthday.  It was a everything a family reunion should be: casual, crowded,  corny, fun, loving, humorous.  We (34 of us) spent 3 full days together and everyone also had 3 days to spend on their own in between.  People had traveled from Oregon, Colorado and Georgia.  This is a family that loves each other.  For decades we had a round robin letter between us all, until out of frustration with it always getting stuck for months at the same cousin’s house, two years ago, long before I found adoptionblogland, I created a group blog for us that forever replaced the family letter.  For more than 2 yrs now the pictures, updates, jokes, stories and updates have been instantaneous and plentiful.

We’re a big family and we love each other- no matter how different.  And I could give stories all day of how we’re different.  I know they LOVE J.

It happened during the group shot.  We had to take it when Mark was missing because he had not yet returned from a quick turnaround trip out of state for an important presentation.  My cousin’s family had to leave to catch their flight out and we decided that photoshopping in one head (Mark’s) was easier than doing it with a family of 6.  As we were getting settled, me in the middle row, because I’m a grownup but not a Tall One, and J over my shoulder behind me because he is a Tall One, J popped out with “Dad’s not even in the pic and he’s how I’m connected to the family.”  OH. Ouch.  The emotional filter in my head heard “You’re not the connection because we’re not really related, so I call you Mom, but it’s not enough to mean I’m actually connected to these people through you as my mom…it’s just because my dad married you so he’s the connection, not you.”

I’m probably overanalyzing, but I’m feeling totally heartbroken over that one comment.  I want so desparately for him to really feel like they are actually his maternal family, not his pretend maternal family.  He speaks of them to others as if they are his maternal family.  But then why, oh why would he say out loud that he feels weird being in the picture with just me and not his dad, because without the dad there isn’t the connection?

I repeat this isn’t a “poor me” post.  I’m not a victim and I didn’t suffer a great loss by his adoption, I gained a great joy.

But that comment hurt me deeply, probably because it’s the thing I fear most.  And it seems like he just confirmed my fear in a moment of offhand honesty.  And that hurts.

A little bit of awesome

I said before that Honduras was hard, and it was.  It broke my heart in a few different ways.  But there was much awesomeness, so I’m going to remind myself of the awesome things:

roadside pineapple, swimming in the Caribbean for the first time, oceanfront cabanas as big as my house, freshest fish ever, having faces to go with names, big waterslides, machetes, futbol, big Jesus, cool caves, not knowing what time it was, refreshing my Spanish, and anafres

But the most awesome? sliding through the narrow channels of the Rio Platano in the rainforest, in a kayak, under and through the mangrove trees, prepared for falling snakes, coming out into the lagoon in the dark of night in the pouring rain with thunder and lightning, scanning with searchlights for crocodiles on the water’s edge, and finding them.

I need a little adventure now and then to keep me sane.

 

 

 

Tagged!

Better late than never, right?

TG tagged me, knowing I was gone.  But I’m back now and I could use some good post fodder, so I’m digging it out and taking up her offer.

Favorite person (outside family)? Ack! Hard first question!  I have different non-family faves for different reasons.  Can’t pick one.

Favorite food? Nacho cheese.  There you have it.  LOVE nacho cheese. 

Quirks about you? I ask for no ice in my soda.  Sensitive teeth.    

How would the person who loves you most describe you in ten words or less? tough one…I know he loves me, but I’m not sure how he’d describe me!

Any regrets in life? Yes.  But I’ve learned that regret can be like a cancer, it eats you up inside.  So I choose to take the lesson with me, but not the regret.

Favorite Charity/ Cause? World Vision.  They have a great record of what you give going to the child with minimal administrative costs and their goal is to create healthy indepedent communities.  We’ve been sponsoring since we got engaged, though right now we still don’t know whether our Myanmar boy survived the  monsoon.  But earilier this year, our Honduras girl got replaced because her whole community after many many years, graduated to independence.  That was cool.

Favorite Blog recently? Glued to Brown’s flashbacks and Ocean’s recent developments.

Something you can’t get enough of? Time with Mark.  Masterpiece Classic.

Worst job you’ve ever had? In college, house cleaning for a spoiled aging jet-setter who had NEVER cleaned and then refused to pay me because she wouldn’t get off the phone before I had to leave and complained I spent too long in her bathroom doing “nothing”.  I was scrubbing the LAYERS of buildup in her toilet bowl with a pumice stone and carefully getting the cobwebs off the crystal chandelier in there!

What job would you pay NOT to have? Anything involving snot.

Favorite Bible verse right now? “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

Guilty Pleasure? umm, nacho cheese. 

Got any confessions? Well…I recently confessed to J that I did not, in fact “save myself” until marriage. 

If you HAD to spend $1,000 on YOURSELF, how would you spend it?
Clothes and shoes.  Predictable maybe, but, yeah…clothes and shoes.

Favorite thing about your house? The big open kitchen/dining/family room.  It’s the heart of our home and where people seem to like hanging out.  And the fact that 3 really cool guys live with me here.

Least favorite thing about your house? It’s not self-cleaning.

One thing you’re good at? talking- most other things I’m good at can be traced back to this.

If you could change something about your circumstances, what? That I never had cancer and never lost my body to it.

Who would you like to meet someday? hmmm

What makes you feel sexy? being comfortable, good hair days.

Who is your real life hero? My dad.  The hardest working, most selfless man I know.  A little crotchety. ;)  But good.  Just good through and through.

What is the hardest part of your job?  That I have to try to watch out for my students’ best interests as developing vocalists while the school ruins their voices by whoring them out as unpaid fulltime recruiters in exchange for paltry token “scholarships”.  No other department does this to their students…they get to just learn.  Music students on the other hand are supposed to just convince more people to come to the school, enticed by fake “scholarships”…so they can then become fulltime unpaid recruiters and convince more people to come…and the Dean and the President get more self-congratulatory and richer.  And they do it in the name of Jesus.  Ugh.  I teach for my students…not for my school.

When are you most relaxed? Shade. 72 degrees, sunny, breezy, comfy chair, feet up, good book.

What stresses you out? Laundry.  ugh.

What can you not live without? I’m trying to live without soda.  I really am.

Do you agree or disagree with the recent article that reported that blogs are authored by narcissists? Some are, some aren’t.  Hard to see how anonymous blogs are based on narcissism.  There are certainly those aiming for bloggy celebrity and name recognition, but I generally avoid those.  For those that are about connecting to others to struggle together, I don’t think it’s true.  For those that are “I’m so-and-so and I’m important and here’s what I think…”  I can see the point having some merit.

Why do you blog? Because no one in my real life really gets the whole adoption thing, or being an adoptive mom, and trying to explain it generally gets me more frustrated.  In adoptionblogland people get it, however differently, so I don’t have to be locked in my own head.  And it’s where I get to interact with first moms and adoptees and learn from them.

Who are you tagging?
I haven’t really decided yet….I think a lot of my peeps have been tagged so I’m gonna try to get around that….and play by the little rules at the end

New/Newer Bloggers: I’m not up on really new bloggers so I’ll say Laurel & Victoria.  They’ve been going through some heavy stuff lately so maybe this can be a lighthearted break?

Bloggy Friends:  I think they’ve mostly been tagged?  If any of you haven’t yet, consider yourself tagged!

Bloggers you’d like to get to know better: Fuzzy Duck Daughter  and Coco (I know I’ve tagged you before and you have a project you’re working on…but I’m just answering the question…feel free to ignore it)

Bloggers you don’t think will respond but hope will: Barb and Michelle.  You’ve both been tagged before, so now it’s twice- ha!

Rules:

1. Answer the questions
2. Link back to whoever tagged you
3. Tag eight bloggers to do the same, 2 from each category.

New/ newer bloggers (since we want to share the love and send them traffic)
Bloggy friends
Bloggers you’d like to get to know better
Bloggers you don’t think will respond, but you hope will